hear me roar!

so i had written off the boy from halloween - he was cute and sweet, but really too young and we don’t have much in common. i had hoped that he would not be in touch, and when he did, i was flattered but i told him that i was busy (not a lie- that is almost always true). i told him that i would let him know when my schedule lightens up - which it hasn’t. but he emailed me again this weekend, and although it took me a few days to read it, when i did, i was flattered–he said “i definitedly wanted to try you one more time.”

so i figured -what the heck, i can meet up with him. i’ll just be straight with him as to my situation.

i googled him out of curiosity, and it turns out that he runs a public charter school in oakland, one of the worst school districts in ca but his school has one of the best academic records in the state. he looks very boyish and probably doesn’t look older than some of his students. in contrast, he went to one of the elite private school in the area and then on to the ivy league. so i guess this is his way of giving back to the community.

last wk when i was spinning by myself, the (cute) instructor came in, and we chatted for a few min. he convinced me to give his class a try.

i did today, and it was a really great work out and a very fast 45 min. i was able to keep up more or less. BUT i was not wearing the right underwear. (normally when i bike, i rarely sit down, but today, majority of the times we were sitting). l et’s just say the seat rubbed me the wrong way. it was so painful. by far more painful than the class itself. except i couldn’t even say anything because it was embarassing. at the end of the class (well, the spinning part, because the class goes on to a 30 min run, which i skipped), he asked me how i liked it. i had to fake a smile and told him that i really liked the class. whichi really did. but i was in so much pain.

it reminded me of that time when christie and mike was fostering puppies, and all the puppies mistakenly were feeding on the little boy puppy’s penis and he was so chafed.

i am totally gonna take the class again, but this time, i will dress appropriately.

just when i was considering quitting my monday team - the time committment is tough,especially since i also play on thursdays, i haven’t played well so i feel bad for not carrying my weight, and i really enjoy the all girls league more- we really pulled together tonight and won our league. this was the first time we even advanced in the playoffs, and we won int he first round pretty easily. we sat for an hour while the other teams battled it out, and then we won the finals.

it felt good. we all played well. too bad one of my teammates was out and he had to miss the victory.

so maybe i will re consider quitting…

you know that plant that was mostly dead but recently sprouted and an unknown flower bloomed - well, it has since had 3 or 4 more blooms and more on the way.

it’s these little happy moments that make life special. i am giddy just thinking about it. and what’s worse, is that i “coerce” my friend (he is very cool) at work to take pictures with his camera phone so i can send it to CT. he told me that i need to get a new phone.

sat was sa hectic day, but i feel so much more back to my old self. had a great work out in the morning, got my hair cut, and then went hiking with EH around the skyline area. the trails were not too busy, so it was mostly just us in a forest of redwoods. at one point, we got to a vista point with an amazing view of the pacific a few miles away. at that point, the sun was still beaming down on the water, and all we see was shimmer, not a cloud in the sky and no fog rolling in.

after we finished, we enjoyed a short drive on skyline blvd, which is known for its scenery. the sun was setting, and peaking through the thick redwood forest, and all we hear is our conversation and the car. it felt like a lexus commercial. we drove pass a little turn off area on the left and that offered an nearly unobstructed view of the ocrean and sunset, so he decided to suddenly pull over. our timing was perfect, because the very red sun fell under the horizon within minutes of us getting out of the car.

he indulged my wish for mexican food afterwards, since i was starving. i had a lot of work to do, so we called it a night early. he said “make sure we leave more time to hang out next time.”

yeah, there will definitely be a next time.

i admit, some times i get paranoid. to no end. i like to think that i am cautious and plans for the worst, but sometimes i realize it’s a bit ridiculous. when he voluntarily told me that he was gonna have dinner w a friend and his wife, i automatically assumed that they were setting him up on a blind date. i have no facts to support it, but that was my first thought. and i forced myself to make the connections, like the fact that he got a hair cut yesterday and he also cleaned his glasses. yeah, probably want to look sharp for the blind date, right? and it is on a friday, so clearly had to be a date thing. plus, he saw the friend a month ago for lunch - do they really need to hang out again so soon? so there must be another reason.

i tried to ignore al the facts that went the other way - like he said he really wants to do this for business dev purposes; when i last saw him and we were talking about how his hair is getting long and he said he will probably cut it this week; how i pointed out his glassesa re so dirty and wasn’t sure how he could see through them; that friday is just a much better day to schedule a dinner thing cuz he normally works late and then works out; and the fact that he voluntarily brought it up with me–if i were trying to hide something, i would not bring up anything that is even remotely related.

still, my paranoia almost made me drive over to check to see if he were home. yep, that’s right, the thought did cross my mind. but by the time i was coming back from hanging out with a few friends, i was wearing my glasses, in which i dont see as well, and late, so i was tired. and i am trying, really trying, to not come across as crazy.

so i went home.

and a little part of me knows that if things were to change, there is nothing i can do about it.

luckily, the set back was temporary. in fact, it reaffirmed many things for both of us. how intensely we feel, how deeply we hurt, how hard we struggle.

it took a few days, but i am beginning to move forward as planned in all fronts. i had a late lunch with EH today. good as usual. it brightened an otherwise hectic day for me. i notice that happiness generally transcends the boundaries of time and other limitations, so i will carry through the rest of the day, and evening.

i thought about asking him to my office holiday party. he would be a fantastic date. but i was reminded of some potential complications so it’s better to keep all this outside of work. plus, i never attend office parties. certainly no reason to start now.

so last weekend was a bit of set back- but just a little bit. today i am feeling more like myself. i was really looking for to OC this weekend but i think the work trip isn’t gonna happen, so will have to visit a little later. but hopefulyl early enough where i can enjoy the private lake in MV.

last night was the first time in 3 wks that i played w my monday team. i really like my monday team. some of us have been friends for a while ago. but i dont enjoy playing the same way. maybe it’s time to do something else on monday nights.

after a long delay (maybe 3 months), JW and i finally had met up. i was impressed that he actually thought about it and planned ahead. we picked a beautiful day and a cozy place, where we chatted and laughed for three+ hours. and i genuinely had a good time. and why wouldn’t i? i always thought he was cute, and a cool person, and had fun while we chatted before and hung out at lovefest. so i am a bit torn, but that, i have noticed, does not prevent me from having a good time. while i would trade it all at a moment’s notice, i can still recognize a good thing when i see it.

we left eventually because i already told him i needed to see my family. i think otherwise we would have stayed longer. but he already mentioned that there would be a next time. so i look forward to it.

he is chill, and funny, and makes me giggle. i feel like a kid when i am with him. i dont know that’s what i would eventually need, but i am grateful that he is part of my life now.

because i was nervous. and him too. but the familiarity made it not like a first date, but just a normal dinner. but it was a date that had a finite ending, which made it sort of different from anything else we are used to.

he looked wonderful. and you know, so did i . i made sure of that. it was my opportunit to remind him one of the many great things about me.

i did my best to make the event into a separate and independent event, away from everything else we have ever known and felt. he, however, made so many suggestions to the past that it was impossible to refuse the connection. it was, in some ways, magical to feel that way again. it was, in other sense, incredibly stupid to allow ourselves to feel. because there was going to be an ending.

at least i knew there had to be. nothing has really changed for him. and for me, while my feelings didn’t change, i was in a different place. for better or worse, i had moved forward. i knew that everything i went through was done for a reason. and if i were to slide backwards, all that would have been done in vain. i couldn’t let that happen.

as i stood there with him, in our familiar spot, i heard voices loudly and clearly. i knew i had to go, at least for now.