hear me roar!

i don’t yet have the answer to that question. ever since i noticed the trail at kirkwood by that same name, i have been thinking about it frequently.

i haven’t been this happy in a long time, at least, i have not experienced the type of happiness that i think might be actually sustainable. i have been careful to not have too much expectations. but at times, when i am feeling brave and optimistic (granted, those are ususally brief, fleeting moments), i can’t help but to look forward to what is in store in the not-so-distant-future.

my senses are so keen! what a self-serving statement. this is only a small and insignificant example:

i recently found out that someone i was sort of involved with a while back seems to have moved on- apparently there is a new girl in his life who really likes him, and although he hasn’t given totally positive feedback, his actions seem to express mutual interest.

i wasn’t at all surprised - i met this girl once, at a large gathering. i saw them together briefly, and i had already suspected something romantic intentions.

the confirmation of my good senses is not even the best part: i felt NOTHING when i heard about it. it is such a great pleasure to realize that the past is truly just that - it has no hold on me or whatever i am about to embark on next.

it’s always weird to become familiar with people in a particular setting, and then have to deal with them in a completely different one. don’t get me wrong - it’s not always bad, but i, at times, seem to have trouble adapting to the change, even if i had been looking forward to such change. i think partly because i don’t know what to anticipate in this new setting- for example, people who write well may actually be fairly quiet and shy in person. partly because i already have an established image of a person and if i i like what i have seen, i am afraid of discovering anything that might contribute to the deterioration of that image.

and same goes for me - i have no doubt that i come across differently on paper/email compared to on the phone or in person. i wonder if there is a particular setting that casts me in the most favorable light, and what happens if that setting changes (and inevitably, it must).

not too long ago a few friends joked that i might need intervention because i constantly report excessive drinking. today at lunch, my colleagues set up an intervention during which they took away my BB. i was in the middle of responding to an email when one of the partners who sat next to me grabbed the BB and put it out of my reach. then it was handed off to someone at the far end of the table, who proceeded to pretend to be reading my emails.

we all have the tendency to use BB at any given moment - somehow i always become the focus of all jokes. admittedly, as of late, i have been extremely attached to the BB. last night i even typed something in the middle of watching the symphony, as well as while i was waiting for drinks at the bar.

so it may not be completely healthy but given the busy schedules, it is by far the most convenient way to communicate. i am trying to let things happen naturally, and naturally, i am drawn to the little flashing light which sometimes indicates that a clever message awaits to be read.

a conversation with an incoming first-year associate yesterday afternoon immediately after the ca bar exam:

him: “a bunch of us are going out tonight. are you free?”
me: “that sounds like fun, but i am going to the symphony.”
him: “sounds like a DATE!!”
me: “well, it’s with one of my close girl friends. you can think of it as a date if you wish.”
him: “i just took a 3-day exam. i WANT to think of it that way…”

so MS and i went to the symphony, and watched an amazing performance of vivaldi’s four “seasons.” afterwards we went to grab dinner at ti couz. though we were both hungry, we restrained ourselves to just sharing a savory crepe and a dessert crepe (how romantic!) it was perfect for a late night meal. after dinner, it was still fairly early so we decided to dance the night away at drink club. i haven’t been to dc in ages and did not realize that the thursday night party scene is not at all what it use to be. i think the key to having fun is the company and what we can make out of a given situation. needless to say, we had a lot of fun. i’ll definitely miss her lots when she heads back to CMU.

i have been in such a rut when it comes to working out- i always do it, but i never seem to have the drive that i used to and i have not enjoyed it as much. that perhaps explains the stubborn 5-10 lbs. which just refuse to leave me.

suddenly, i feel inspired. i want to go to the gym, and work out hard every day. (and no, it’s not because there is new eye-candy at the gym to gawk at. there never is at club one.) i have been on a binge: i have been waking up early to do cardio in the morning, and then lift for about 45 minutes at night. it hasn’t been long enough for me to see results, but at least i feel very good about the process. i have been waiting for my motivation (it various) to return, and i think it has. although i have yet to pinpoint the current motivation is…

CT commented that some of my personal emails have the “stiff professional” tone. i didn’t think so. i looked at some and still didn’t think so. she proceeded to point out some specifics and contrasted those with other people’s word choices.

then i thought - damn, it does sound sort of stiff. but i can’t help it. i write that way all day long, so invariably some of the more legalise terms and style will seep in to my personal writing. i am at least fortunate to enough to be able to escape from the “nasty letter” mode.

as long as my intended audience is not put off by it, i probably won’t change a thing. but if i feel that the person i write to is more cautious because of how i may come across, i will make more of an conscious effort to lighten up.

plus, the blog and its comments should be enough evidence that i am not stiff!

i don’t know when i became so jaded. i can’t seem to appreciate all the good things, especially those that happen unexpected. instead of taking them as pleasant surprises, i evaluate and re-evaluate all the potential pitfalls. and when i can’t find any, i approach it with extra caution, expecting to these pitfalls to appear at any moment. sometimes i realize that i am feeling optimistic, i will invent the worst scenario possible in my head and let me tell you, that kills optimism, fast!

a bit of advice i received this morning is rather sound: ” you don’t have enough evidence to render a verdict, so you must withhold judgment for now. ”

am i really brave enough to let my guard down and simply bask in the glory of some new found optimism?

neither westlaw and lexis is working! it is severely hampering my productivity.

anyway, i have long been misusing the word “nauseous,” as do the majority of the educated population. finally CT corrected my mistake. Since then i have been wanting to hear other people misuse the word and call them on it.

it hasn’t happend yet.

last night, i was pseudo -complaining about how i was not invited to a particular camping trip, and JS and JL pointed out that i don’t even like camping. so i said, “yeah, the idea of camping and no bathrooms make me nauseous.” I caught myself immediately but it was too late, JS already heard me and started laughing.

what’s more sad is that between the three us, having combined nearly 20 year of college and grad school education, could not figure out how to spell “nauseous.” JS thought it was “noxious,” and JL thought it ended it “tious.”

in case you don’t already know ( like i didn’t, for many years), nauseous means “nausea-inducing,” and the correct adjective that people should be using is “nauseated.”

MS and i are going to see sf symphony performing vivaldi’s 4 seasons on thursday night. i am so looking forward to it. PM had expressed interest but couldn’t skip his volleyball playoffs (which is totally understandable), and luckily i talked to MS today and she was totally up for it.

i am so looking forward it!