hear me roar!

i stayed out way too late last night for a week night- but it was a beautiful, warm night out (even in berkeley) and i was having fun. some people just always provide me comfort, even when i am not actively seeking it. the mere presence is warm and inviting, while not extending beyond the appropriate boundaries.

i am barely surviving on 4 1/2 hours of sleep. i hope to meet up with KT tonight- i am really looking forward to seeing him after his return from asia. i could use another good friend in the neighborhood.

SC and i had this discussion over email yesterday - he said that he has learned to put aside pride in the name of love. i said that i could for a brief period of time, but things don’t pan out, my pride comes back in two or three fold.

i think i have set it aside as of late, but i don’t like the person that i have become, a slave to someone else’s every action or non-action.

i think i am about to hit that stage where the pride is making its return - it’s the small flame that is gearing up for a long and tenacious burn. the downside is that the very proud me has more propensity to act boldly without first considering the consequences, and is more likely to be inconsiderate of others’ feelings because mine own are in a delicate stage.

an email exchange between some colleagues and i late last night, after finishing drafting the papers for submission to the court today.

associate no. 1: ” good job…”
me: ” thanks… but it’s only because (associate no. 2) has already revised it…”
associate no. 1: ” you say that…”
… (some discussion over filing strategy)
associate no. 2: ” my value add: diana rocks.”
associate no. 1: ” you guys are both doing great. The way I see it, I should have to do no work and you handle everything. I’m a strategy man…”
me: “maybe lit isn’t so bad after all.”

a little ray of sunshine in my bleak world. i suppose everything balances out - can’t have everything going my way.

it was JS’s bday dinner on sat night - i picked cafe de la paz in berkeley. it was a small gathering of close friends who were actually in town for the weekend. after having stuffed ourselves silly with tapas, we relived our berkeley days (all but EC has been associated with berkeley at some point):

sitting on top of indian rock and enjoying a clear view of the entire bay
having to climb that rock in heels at night time was a bit scary
IC told all sorts of stories about living at Sigma Pi for the summer with JS, and that JS tried pulley her up to the second story with a rope
wondered around downtown berkeley
going down a one-way street while JC was driving
visited top dog on three separate occasions and bought a total of 4 sausages but JS did not like the brockwurst
visited the asian gourmet ghetto and got doughnuts, and only because JS thought the doughnut shop guy was cute
visited sweetheart cafe for pearl tea

after leaving berkeley, we went to meet up with TC and company at limon for drinks. i still need to organize dinner there with TC and the gang. while drinking we witnessed a pretty good girl fight that occurred just outside of the resturants.

after an extended absence, somethings haven’t changed. the smile was charming yet gentle, the mannerism was as carefree, and there are still butterflies in my stomach. yet somethings are different - i am not capable of, or perhaps, not willing, to have any more expectations. instead of envisioning what the future might hold, i try to perceive every meeting as possibly the very last one.

evidently, it was obviously that i was holding back, particularly verbally. i didn’t have the heart to explain on the spot that that the last few weeks affected me so much more than words could even describe. and if i were not open before, i am even less so now.

after a tumultuous few weeks, i was in no mood to tolerated any attitude. fortunately, there was never a point throughout the night where i felt like there were negative vibes, and that spared me from making a scene.

slowly, but surely.

mostly i can attribute the recovery to work - it has kept me really busy and leaves no time to think about much else. plus my little screw up last week served as a stern reminder that i can not allow anything else to get in the way of my concentration.

but perhaps i am still secretly hopeful. there is still a small part of me that wonders “what if…”

i had planned on staying late at work last night, but there was some construction work going on upstairs and the noise was unbearable. i took off early to meet up with WW for dinner since he just got back europe. he sounded bummed over email, but when i saw him, i realized how bummed he really was. i have never seen a guy so bummed out that he didn’t even really eat his dinner. i tried to sort out things for him from a girl’s logic, but it’s a tought situation to figure out.

at some point, he said to me, “i really admire you for being able to be really excited about someone but at the same time really able to put it aside.” i laughed because that statement is so inaccurate. he should have seen me last week!

he looked a bit more upbeat after we had a drink at straits. i had an awesome mojito martini. it was so tempting to stay longer because i didn’t get a chance to talk to other friends but work was waiting for me.

so i made (what i had considered to be) a big boo-boo late last week at work. i felt pretty crappy about it at the time, but it was a collateral matter to the substantive issue. after shedding a few tears (albeit the scolding i received was not the only cause for my tears), i managed to get through the remainder of the assignment just fine. in fact we received a very favorable ruling on that particular matter.

there was never a doubt in my mind that i would just own up to it, but finding the appropriate chance to come clean to my boss was not easy. finally, i did it. and i feel good about it. and very grown up. it also makes me really appreciate people i work with. i think they could have easily made a big deal out of it but that was so not their approach.

nothing is more cleansing than knowing that my integrity has not been compromised.

i suddenly realize that i need to apply that philosophy to other aspects of my life as well…

i haven’t written much - i want to, and even though i have been busy, i could afford 10-15 minutes. the problem is that there are so much going on in my head that i can’t seem to organize them in an orderly fashion, or articulate the thoughts in a logic way. plus a few friends have told me that my blog is exceedingly vague, and while they get the general gist, it lacks details. i have not yet figure out a way to resolve that.

so for now, i think i might just have to let these unhealthy thoughts overwhelm me. my hopes is that work and/or other factors will distract me sufficiently, and i will eventually be over it or the situation will get resolved. at this point, i think i would be ok with either outcome.

i will re-emerge, someday. until then, let me seethe in my own distress.

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