hear me roar!

i am wasting away another beautiful saturday at work. as if that is not bad enough, i was also welcomed by the sounds of jackhammers and power drills as i walked into my office. apparently the continuous improvements in this building carries on over the weekend as well. i suppose that’s only fitting, since many people in this building work on the weekends. it would be nice if the building management gave us some heads up on this. it’s hard enough to concentrate on writing minus the noise.

thank goodness that i had the foresight to bring my headphones…

damn this is annoying.

i haven’t been this giddy in a long time. and today’s circumstances are not the ones that would make normal folks giddy:

-i am in the middle of drafting an important brief, with a deadline on sat mid day. i am not even close to being done.
-one boy just left town. his return is no where in sight. to say that our “relationship” is fuzzy would be an overstatement.
-i am tired.
-i have to leave for cancun in less than 36 hours and i have not done a single thing to prepare for it.
-the other boy has been in radio silence since we have sorted out an issue from the past.
-i am missing the love parade tomorrow. and i will miss van dyke and corsten and a load of other top djs.
-other work stuff inpatiently await me.
-my tuna salad sandwich got cold.

yet i still can not stop smiling, probably because:

-my brief is going to sound persuasive. i have a good structure in my head.
-he is hot, and he will be hot no matter where he is. and i will see him again. i know it, because i have drawn him in sufficiently.
-i’ll catch up on sleep on the plane.
-cancun here i come!
-he has good reasons. i am sure of it. i hope he is doing ok.
-i have plenty of good music on mp3s. plus i don’t need to deal with the crowd high on x and other substances. and the overpriced after parties. di.fm is quite a nice alternative.
-work is interesting. and i am really growing professionally.
-my next good, hot meal is only hours away, with KT.

how is this for looking at the glass half-full?

got the news earlier that surgery went well for a friend’s parent - it makes me really happy and relieved.

him: “…i won’t be able to stop by to say bye…”
me: “now i won’t even be able to remember what you look like…”
him: “more of a reason to come a visit me…”
..
him: “now you have more reasons to come to …”
me: “what would be my top reason?”
him: “me, of course.”
…
me: “have a safe trip. be sure to let me know that you got there ok, at some point in the near future, not necessarily today.”
him: “ok. i will. talk to you soon.”

i have to pat my self on the back for this one- my tone remained soft and friendly on the most part (oh yeah, i seem like i could be soft and cuddly - oh wait, that’s not an act. i really could be, at times!), yet not too dependent. i let him know that the door is totally open, yet at the same time, i am by no means limiting my options. i conveyed the idea that though i am disappointed in his departure, i look forward to seeing him again.

he should be driving away and thinking “i am glad that i met her. i want to see what happens even with the circumstances.”

it feels good to be in control of my feelings. for once my head and heart are working in concert.

for a while now CT and i have been amazed at how our lives are so parallel, with one exception.

that exception is now history - i have found a comparable transitional guy who was here to help me get out of a deeply depressed state. someone who boosted my ego, made me laugh, yet with no real potential.

i just need to remember that is all he is and could ever be.

unless, of course, he wants more. then i can effortlessly match him in seriousness and veracity.

one of the signs of a true and lasting friendship is when someone voluntarily sidetracks from his or her own agenda, no matter how important, to make time for someone else, whose crisis, in hindsight, may be considered minuscule or even kind of silly.

perhaps it’s because i so rely on these friends that no matter what kind of “strong” front i normally put up, i crumble at the sound of a friendly voice and have no desire to hide how i really feel.

from time to time, i get a reminder that i need to fully trust my own instincts, because they have rarely, if ever, failed me. when something feels like it’s not right - even if the doubts are completely unsubstantiated by evidence, i should not disregard the bad feeling. i am glad that i had the “courage” to investigate (a.k.a., snoop) and the access to inside information to confirm my doubts. i am grateful for friends who feel protective enough over me to possibly have breached some code of silence and bonds of brotherhood.

i saw this excerpt in CT’s entry, from a book titled “P.S. I Love You.” i know the book has a special meaning to her and i have been meaning to read it (and i almost never read for fun).

“Don’t be afraid to fall in love again
Open your heart and follow where it leads you…
And remember, shoot for the moon…”

i was looking for a sign while standing at the cross roads, and this must be it. =)

sometimes i think i must be cursed. i don’t understand why i seem to meet people who just don’t get it - if never returning a call or an email for THREE months is not a sufficient indication of no reciprocation of interest in friendship or otherwise, i don’t know what would be.

i don’t understand why they force me to spell it out for them.

today’s email was of the kinder sort, compared to some of the ones i have written in the past. CT laughed and said the email basically said that i was so repulsed by the person’s touchy-feeliness that i wanted to cut off all forms of communication immediately afterwards. that was pretty much the idea i wanted to convey.

i hope that puts this one to the grave for good.

(p.s. doesn’t this sound like my normal self? i am really happy to be back, from a very distant, psychotic world that i feared that i was destined to remain forever.)

I am not one to withhold things i want to say – but under certain circumstances, i am not inclined to be straightforward. Mostly, these situations involve talking to people about how they behave towards or vice versa.

For sometime now, i have been holding in things that have caused me a great deal of distress. In particular, i was confused and saddened by a sudden change in attitude towards me. i did not have the courage to bring it up because i felt it would be ill-received, and the timing always seemed off.

Finally, the time was ripe. our recent communications focused on the ability to be straightforward and direct, and i was encouraged time and again to express my thoughts. I was still waiting for the right time, although it matters much less now that it is long after the fact. But when an email triggered my response and i realized that i was going down the route of being direct, i decided to take the chance and follow it all the way

After i clicked “send,� i felt liberated. All this weight had been lifted off my shoulders. Regardless of the response, and even if there will not be one, i think being able to say what i have been wanting to say is sufficiently therapeutic.