do i exit the milbank family with my group, and continue on to new firm, with a temporary stop over at P & O, or do i linger in uncertainty and fully explore other options, to find out if there is even a better fit out there?
i don’t know. i can’t think that clearly. and i need some more time.
something i haven’t felt in a long time.
it’s far from being happy - i really don’t dare to dream of that kind of luxury. in fact, it’s the totally opposite. i am completely miserable, and miss him dearly. there isn’t a moment when i don’t wonder about how he is, and what he is thinking. especially when i finally head home after a long day of work on a weekend.
on my way out of the office, it was so hard to not dial his number. so i called CT first, as she told me to, whenever i get the urge to call him. she laid out a few gentle reminders and hopefully that suffices for at least tonight.
it must seem like that i can’t make any decisions on my own. but you have to remember, she has seen me through so much over the years that she knows me almost better than i know myself. and at critical junctures such as this one, i cannot afford to make any stupid moves to turn a shaky situation to a unsalvageable disaster.
so i made it home without making a call. and after scarfing down dinner, i decided to do some due diligence to prepare for my interview. because after all, that’s the next and last thing on my plate that i need to deal with. and whatever i decide to do, it has to be the best decision i can make. lately, with the personal issues hanging over me, i have had a hard time giving the job situation the time and clarity that it deserves.
ironically, the first person to console me today was a colleague. his words were : “in relationship matters, you have to disregard your ego.” he then proceeded to tell me that when his then-girlfriend (now wife) broke up with him once they were still dating, he cried and cried. 
i don’t know what came over me last night: maybe common sense finally decided to take charge of my whirlwind of emotions, maybe i finally admitted that feeling insecure is even worse than feeling lonely or scared, maybe there was a lapse in my faith that things would more likely than not work out ok in the future, or perhaps it was that i felt if i didn’t take an affirmative step towards a final resolution, he never would. whatever it was, be it courage or stupidity, was short lived, at least on my part.
the reaction it triggered was somewhat unexpected. i have never seen so much frustration in him, maybe even anger, although he didn’t characterize as such. but when i reached out to touch his hand, and he drew it back, i understood the gravity of the situation.
it was so hard for me to let go - but i heard him loud and clear, along the lines of “walk away now, if nothing else, at least pave a path for any future potential.” strangely enough (or maybe not strange at all, given our relationship), i also heard CT’s voice, telling me the same thing. it felt as if she had been there, observing us the entire time. even though it still took me a long time to be able to accept what was happening, i can safely say that if i hadn’t heard her voice, the situation right now surely would be disasterous.
you may wonder why i don’t see the situation already as a disaster, because in the end, there were so much hurt, pain, and struggle. but by walking away, he felt it was the only way to preserve those things that are sacred to us, even if they cannot continue to blossom. he voiced that concern repeatedly, and as much as i refused to believe or listen, i knew he was right. even now, i cannot begin to describe the sadness and void that i feel. however, somethings remain crystal clear, in which, i trust that we can both find comfort, even during the darkest hour.
i desperately need to be able to see that when the pain and confusion that define my time now eventually pass, i will remerge, with even more spirit and vigor than before, and perhaps even look back and realize that the beautiful things will remain that way, even if short-lived and must remain in the past.
figuring out what i want, out of my life.
i sent an email to a few people at work late last night, saying that i basically will be hiding at home today. they are all so understanding, and considering their own level of stress (maybe somewhat different from mine, but possibly exceeding mine), they still have an amazing capacity to be compassionate.
HH and i talked the entire way during our morning commute - because i simply wasn’t feeling good. in the afternoon he called to check up on me, and again asked if there is anything he could do to improve the situation. he must be somewhat relieved that he is not the sole cause of my grief. i don’t mean to sound facetious and make light of all the recent events, but i know that lately he has been feeling responsible for my every mood change.
i wish i could ask for the world, and i wish i can completely rely on him. the scary part is, i think anything within reason, he would be willing to do. but i don’t want to take advantage of his kindness, and force him into a situation where he has to shoulder my burden. i am afraid it would entails a change in a lifestyle that he is accustomed to and something that he has been trying to desperately maintain. in that sense, it would be utterly unfair to him.
yet by offering, i think he is willing to compromise his position, in order to save my sanity. i am grateful - because for all that he couldn’t give me, he is willing, simply because he has seen first-hand what shape i am in. at the same time, i would feel guilty if i took advantage of the unfortunate circumstances to draw him in further, although i am pretty sure that he knows that this is not a scheme and i am not going through turmoil in order to draw him in. furthermore, i don’t know if i would ever be completely secure, to think that he is only doing the things because he wants to help me regain my sensibility.
he later asked again what he can do, and i was afraid to say anything, reasoning that if i become so reliant on him now, when things improve, i am afraid that i can’t go back to normal. but i wanted to make sure that he knows how helpful and comforting his presence is. at a time like this, it’s the only thing that helps me feel stable and safe.
perhaps this is why even with all the uncertainties that exhaust us, and against all reasonable voices, my instincts are not only refusing t0 let me give up, but rather, entangling me further into an vortext of many unknowns.
so much work related things have happened in the last ten days. it’s simply an overwhelming time. to start out, the partner i work for is leaving to join another very good, large firm in the area with an established ip practice. our entire group has been offered the opportunity to move there. i interviewed on friday and received an offer to join yesterday. partly due to the group’s potential departure, my current office (which is a small satellite office of a ny-based firm) will be winding down its operations by end of april. but we have all been offered the opportunity to relocate to a different office within the firm. i have always been intrigued with the idea of working in ny, or even overseas. another partner i really like might be going to our la office, and i am tempted to talk to her abou transitioning to corporate practice. then there are various opportunities that have been brought to my attention, mostly by friends at other firms who are seeking laterals.
i am just so confused. adding this to the already-exisiting drama in my life, i feel less and less in control, and more inclined to cry, in almost any setting.
we ended up chatting before bedtime last night. he kept on saying that he wanted to see if i were doing ok, given all that has been going on. while i don’t doubt his genuinely good intentions, i can’t help but to think that at least in part, he was curious as to what my reactions were going to be. my guess is that he either expected me to react just like i did (i.e, “i am ok, you don’t need to check up on me”), or that i would completely falter at the initial sound of his voice. i am sure it is no surprise to anyone that my reactions almost always are at one extreme of the spectrum or the other, leaving very little to fall in between.
truthfully, i had no idea how i would react, giving how drawn out and painful the entire process had been previously. while the conversation took place under familiar circumstances, it was far from typical. we proceeded to have a normal conversation, discussing only the most platonic topics. i think that was probably somewhat intentional. at least on my part, i couldn’t bear the thought of disrupting whatever progress that may have been made, and i didn’t want to be reminded of all the agonizing conversations from the recent past. at the same time, i wasn’t quite sure how my reactions would have been received, so it was much safer to go with the option that makes me at least appear rational.
thinking about all this kept me wide awake - why couldn’t i just express how i really felt? he even pointed out that i shouldn’t be “bottling up” inside ( another distinct mark of my personality). i finally came to the conclusion that the only reason i have been able to focus on my life and other priorities was because i have been distancing myself from all this. unfortunately, in doing so, the wall around me is attempting to slowly rebuild, mostly by its own initiative and without my conscious approval.
i miss the state of being totally suspectible to vulnerability. i think that is a requirement to be truly close to someone.
urgh, it’s late. i need to stop rambling…
i have spent the last three hours or so filling out my conflicts check paper work, and it has to include every freakin’ client, every stupid matter that i have worked on. and i haven’t even been working for that long!!! for a lot of matters that i worked on, i did it without really knowing the nature of the matter, and often, the identity of the adverse party.
the good thing to do this early in my career is that now i know to keep a running list of client matters that i have worked on.
as if i don’t have anything better to do on a saturday night…urgh!