hear me roar!

so i have been semi-excited about the hot boy from clubone, whom i have managed to meet on sat night at suede. the first time i ever saw him (he was helping some girl work out), i thought he was hot. he is in super-duper shape, and every time (other than the first time i saw him), he just keeps to himself and works out hard.

in any case, he has a pretty rare first name - and over the weekend, i temporarily got him confused with a friend’s friend who shares the same first name. the problem is, i had never met my friend’s friend, and only know him by his tattoo (of the chinese character “love” on his upper back). so i decided to do a little research on google, and found my friend’s friend’s website. luckily, after some diligent review, i found pictures and am happy to report that they are two different people.

maybe the hot boy is the motivation i need to start working out hard again…

it was one of those mornings where i wished i didn’t have to wake up at all - it was raining pretty hard and the wind was hauling. the conditions are a lot like those on the day after new years.

yet i was in such a different mind set back then. that day shall forever remain as one of the most memorable days for me, yet still far too painful for me to even begin reminiscing about it.

talking to CT this morning, after updating each other on the weekend events, she made a comment about how our lifestyles are quite different.

mine is more like “sex and the city,” and hers is a cross between “friends” and “will & grace.”

i don’t enjoy going out as much as i used to, but i still manage to make it to those “special occasions.” last night was YKB’s bday - it was deemed to be a huge party, and something that i couldn’t miss. even then i considered bailing at the last moment.

when i got there, i saw so many familiar faces, and it instantly make me feel welcome. everyone was telling me that it’s been too long since i have come out and i should be going out with them more. it felt good to know that my presence was missed. since i had been MIA for so long, there were a few new faces in the group and they were pretty cool as well.

at the last stop at suede, i bumped into a lot of other people who happen to be partying there: old friends from college, a boy that my friends are encouraging me to get to know, volleyball teammates, the younger brother of a good friend, this really hot guy from my gym, etc., etc. that combined with hanging out with the korean posse, it was one of the nights where i can actually say that i had a great time.

one of the attorneys from the new firm asked if i would like to go in his place to the ABBA dinner friday night- i happily accepted, thinking that it would be cool to meet some of my future colleagues. almost immediately after i had accepted, i also thought about whether HH would be there. i thought that it was more likely than not for him to show up at these events. and if i were to see him, it would be somewhat awkward; but if i didn’t see him, i would be wondering about his absence.

when i got to the door and was checking in, the guest list for his firm happens to be on the first page and i quickly glanced at it and didn’t see his name. i did notice that there were a few open spots for his firm for last minute guests. as big as the event was (700 people at the far east cafe in sf), it is still very easy to spot people. i didn’t see him.

like i had expected, the entire night i wondered why he didn’t show up: was he super busy at work? or maybe there was a schedule conflict with a good friend’s bday or visit? perhaps he was out of town on a trip. did he wonder about whether i would be there? there were just too many questions to which i had no way of finding the answers. needless to say, i had some unawfully unpleasant dreams that night, waking up more groggy than i have felt in a long time.

CT asked me if i thought it would have been better if i had run into him or that it was better that i didn’t. i didn’t know how to answer - i supposed that on one hand, if i had seen him, it would have been hard for me, but i felt that it would have served as a “reminder” to him. i guess my fear has always been, and continues that he heals faster than me and will have moved on (not necessarily with anyone) before i am ready to. i know that sounds selfish, and it sounds like that i want him to hurt as much as i do. but the truth is that i have no intentions of moving on. as much as i know that would be good for me, i just have not yet figured out a way to force myself down that path.

we know more of what we want, and exactly what we can and can not tolerate; at the same time, have a better understanding of what is within our reach and what is beyond the reasonable level of expectation.

we have become more ripe, like fine wine, but only a select few have the depth to really appreciate it.

this came up as i chatted with CT late at night and i commented about how we haven’t really changed much over the last decade. sure, we might look a little different, live in a different environment, but how we view the world and behave have remained substantially the same.

it was really nice bumping into MM - but at the same time, dredged up a lot of feelings with which i have been trying to cope. of course the first thing he asked about was whether there has been any progress, because he had been certain that if i played it the way he had suggested, it would work out. when i told him that there hasn’t been any progress, i think he was a little surprised, and maybe even disappointed that his “prophecy” has not come true.

i, on the other hand, have no doubt that what he had suggested was indeed the right approach. although i did not expect the same outcome, at least not immediately, because it was not quite the typical on-again-off-again scenario that MM had described.

sometimes, i feel like i belong everywhere and part of every group; but once in a while, i feel like i belong no where.

my parents dragged me to a dinner with some family friends, to celebrate the birth of a new grandchild. the scary thing is that my parents’ friends are about their age, and their daughter is about my age, and this is her third child! i at times envy her life - it seems to stable. i am sure that i couldn’t even begin to understand her difficulties. at times, i am grateful to live the way i do, because i can pretty much do and spend as i please, without having to consider anyone else.

SL wrote last night asking for my number because he had lost his phone. then he said that he might drive up this or next weekend and will let me know. whether he actually does or not, is not really important. it would be nice to see him, but i am perfectly happy with just the thought.

he always seems to re-appear in my life when i need it the most. after all, the first time i met him, i was also in a pretty awful stage. note that i didn’t say “need him the most,” because i realize that he is NOT what i need. far from it, in fact. yet what he adds to my life is supremely important: good laughs, an extra boost of confidence, and most importantly, a sense of freedom. more than ever, i need to be free from being buried by emotional instability, self doubt and constant struggle to figure out the other person.

even since i met him, i have been trying to figure out his role in my life. i always thought that he would be my D (sorry, this is sort of a private, inside joke). in many ways, he fits that profile. i have secretly been hoping that he would fit that profile, because D’s role, although revolves around concepts such as attraction and rescue, is nevertheless fleeting and temporary. and i rather that he, out of all people, be the fleeting thought.