hear me roar!

tonight’s ALC dinner, besides that fact that i tagged along with cooley and took place at the sf marriott, was different from usual, at least for me:

i got to meet my co-counsel on the pro bono case, an ALC staff attorney. funny thing was that i went to the registration table, found out where he was sitting, and went to look for him; and at the same time, he went to the registration table, found out where i was sitting, and went to look for me. doing so, we missed each other, so we went back to the registration table just to make sure that we got the right table assignment. in any case, it was nice to finally meet someone i know wholeheartily by voice over the phone.

i also got to know some of the cooley folks a bit better - i have yet to meet a cooley person that i don’t like. in fact, i even bummed a ride with some people who are in my building so i didnt’ have to drive.

i also bumped into a few boalt classmates who had clerked in so. cal but now working back up north. it never hurts to extend my social network.

then there was the guy that was checking me out from the table next to us. not to sound arrogant or whatever, but he was checking me out. either that or i had something funny on my face. when i first noticed him, i didn’t think anything, since most people were looking around to see who they know. i smiled back. but throughout dinner, he must have made eye contact with me like 15 or 20 times. that was kind of funny. at one point, i had to step out of the ballroom where dinner was held. when i was coming back in, i saw that same guy standing by the doors of the ballroom. it is not unusal for people to step out to make phones or whatever, but he wasn’t doing that. i wondered if he had noticed that i had gone out, and decided to come out so he can catch me alone. (that has happened before, so i know guys understand this trick, because he couldn’t very well come up to me at my table, when i am amongst friends and coworkers .) i smiled as i walked pass him on my way back to my table. i actually thought about stopping to chat, but i thought it would be bad form to do so right at the door, where every single table can witness the entire event. at the end of dinner when everyone was getting up to leave, we actually walked again right pass each other again, and this time we exchanged quick pleasantries but i kept on walking. i don’t know if he intended to stop and chat, and i never looked back. there was something else that i needed to take care of.

that something else, was actually a someone else. i saw him when i walked into the reception area before dinner, and he was, as usual, on the phone. i smiled and waved and walked into the ballroom to get seated for dinner. throughout dinner, i glanced over to his table from time to time, but his back was towards me. he looked bored. (on the contrary, my table was having a grand ol’ time!)

at the end of dinner, most people were walking out to the reception area and saying good bye to friends. i was standing with my group and he wasn’t too far away talking to a friend. it took me a few minutes before i decided that i should go say hello. it was no longer a matter of who says hi first - who cares? really, life is too short to play useless mind games that yield absolutely no results, other than some imaginary satisfaction of “huh, i showed him. he is not important to me!”

i walked over, and touched him on his arm to quietly interrupt his conversation. he gave me a hug, and then i can’t remember happened to that guy he was talking to. presumably that guy left. i gently grabbed his pink tie and laughed. he then smirked and pointed out that i had a green skirt on. i told him that i wasn’t making fun of the pink, and that it looked good, but i never thought he would be a pink person. i went on to tell him that i am surprised that he still had hair, since he had threatened to shave it so many times. he was still insistent on that having no hair would be easy, but admitted that having hair probably looks better. i guess any little compromise is a lot, between us. we chatted for a little longer and then i said i didn’t want my ride to be waiting for me. that, and i didn’t feel like wearing out my welcome. we didn’t really say good bye - i suppose it was understood. i walked away just as quietly as i had first walked into the conversation.

i pretty much knew i would see him. i always do at this event. a year ago we were re-introduced by our mutual friend, probably for the 10th time. that was something he always reminded me of, that i didn’t remember meeting him at the dinner, again. after leaving that event at this very place last year, i didn’t think twice about him, nor could i have anticipated all the ups and downs that he would have brought me during the course of the next twelve months. sometimes i wonder if all that did really happen. but when i am able to think clearly, i am confident to say that they all did happen, somestimes in the most dramatic fashion, and sometimes in the most storylike setting, and many times, it was just sharing the most ordinary details of our hectic, unordinary lives.

i miss all those things - i can’t help but to wonder (again) whether he does. the truth is, it doesn’t really matter. even if he does not, i still would. i would still be the silly girl who can’t get over something that was short lived. and even if he does, it does not and can not change the current situation. i guess all i can to is continue to live my life, and pray that someday, i can have a converation with him and feel nothing afterwards. because as some of you already know, i am feeling so much more than “nothing” at this very moment.