hear me roar!

so these were my ‘06 resolutions and i am gonna grade myself on how i did:

be more impulsive - i get an A, in terms of travel, buying things, etc.
buy my own loft/condo in SF - i failed, but partly i blame it on the cooling housing market.
realize that i need to slow down from time to time (including driving) - i say a B-, still got a lot to work on, although no speeding ticket this year.
continue at least the same pace of professional development - i get an A, i am super happy with how things worked out so far
the come back of the six-pack (more accurately, the fine-tuning of the six-pack) - A+, better than ever!
cook more and drink less - B+, i have been doing well as of late.
hold on tight to those who make me happy and not be afraid to tell them - B, could be better
be more straightforward with confronting issues i have with others - B+, i am pretty good about picking on mr. big.

so he wrote back, twice. it was weird. he explained in the second email that he thought the first email didn’t get sent, so wrote again. but he didn’t just send the same email. he added a little, took out a little, and the overall tone was different.

it’s odd, but i guess i do that, too. revise emails, that is. probably just part of the hazard of being in this profession. we revise and revise obsessively until it has the exact right content and tone.

and if you are curious. i didn’t respond. to the first, or the second. i thought about it for a split second but then deleted the emails instead.

i convinced myself that there is no harm in sending HH an email wishing him a happy new year. so i did. and it’s ok if he doesn’t respond, although that’s highly unlikely. he may be a lot of things, but being rude isn’t one of them. it wasn’t an email that even elicited an answer. he might reply with some sarcastic reference to our email embargo that i had put in place a few months ago. i guess he would be entitled to that.

but i don’t care at this point. i just wanted to email him. i wonder about him all the time, but never more so than today. i almost drove up to golden gate park today, but i was afraid of how i would feel being back at that same place, but alone this time.

i guess i am impulsive. oh well, that was one of my new years resolution for ‘06.

the other impulsive thing i did today was that i bought a 20″ LCD tv for my dad. he mentioned last night that he wanted one for his desk, so i bought it today.

so mr. big is one of the messiest people i have ever met, and by far, the messiest guy i ever dated. i am pretty neat, although i don’t consider myself extreme by any means. so i generally prefer people who are also neat.

well, he is far from it, and i definitely am not shy about letting him know. in fact, his place is so messy that i am troubled by it every time i set foot in it. it doesn’t help that his sister(roommate) is also totally messy. i mean, what grown up people leave dirty plates or un-finished food on the table after eating, for days at a time? do they think it would just get cleaned up magically?

in any case, i bug mr. big about cleaning up, at least his bedroom. everytime i bring it up, he always finds an excuse. finally, we had a little blow-up last weekend, and he said he was planning to clean this week since he had the time off. of course i am anxious to see how much he has cleaned up, but by wednesday or so, he hadn’t made much progress, from what he tells me. i reminded him that it’s going to take some time and he should really get started. but he was confident at the progress he would make. i semi-seriously told him that i won’t visit him until he finishes cleaning up.

by this afternoon, around 6, after i got my haircut ( i have bangs now, by the ways, soft, whispy, long bangs though, i like it a lot), i called to see if he was done. it wasn’t much of a surprise when he said he wasn’t. but his reason was “this is only friday, i still have all weekend.” even though his prior excuse was always that he couldn’t clean when we were hanging out on weekends because that would cut into our time. i never bought that for a second, btw.

i was too pissy to even call him on his inconsistencies today. what would be the point? i can’t remember how the conversation proceeded, but he ended up turning on me about how i am always nagging him, about how every conversation i have to remind him about cleaning. i can’t believe he had the nerves to raise his voice with me, on a matter that i am so clearly right about. i paused for a while so i don’t lose my cool, and then calmly informed him that if he had just done what he was supposed to do early on, i would not need to nag him. it’s so logical, not sure how he failed to see it.

i also said that from now on, he won’t have to hear me nag him, about anything, and hung up.

i think he won’t need to worry about hearing from me, period! i am already so discontent on so many things (ok, one main thing) already.

i guess it might as well be this way - two days before ‘ 07. i am generally not superstitious, except for when it comes to new years. if i don’t spend it with the person i am dating at the time, or not happy with him on that day, we are surely not meant to be together in the coming year.

one of the good things about blogging is that i can go back and re-read what i had written before, and sometimes the old entries remind me of details that i had forgotten.

but one of the bad things about blogging is also that i can go back and re-read, especially about events that i had never managed to forget.

it’s been hard - i had to come in tuesday even though we were officially closed for business. but others were in as well. i wasn’t feeling that well yesterday, so i worked from home. i tried to get some sleep but the howling wind kept me awake the whole time. all this while my friends were up in tahoe playing in the snow, although i am sure yesterday was a terrible day up in the slopes because of the high wind and heavy wet snow.

i just felt a little bump on my forehead near my hairline- it hurts. i must have bumped into somthing while i was sleeping. ouch!

i had never experienced the orange sauce until DL introduced me to it last yr around this time -it’s quite addictive, and probably would be good on everything. after i saw the nutcrackert friday night with mr. big and my grandma, mr. big and i headed to la victoria for a late night dinner, but mostly, for the orange sauce. grandma declined our offer to join - i think she just doesn’t like mexican food. most asian parents /grandparents (and JS) don’t! i can’t understand how someone can not like the taste - i can understand not wanting to eat it for health reasons.

in any case, the food + orange sauce were really good. mr. big was quite disgusting, however, he was practically drinking the sauce. i should have just gotten him a case of that sauce for christmas, and he can put it on everything. while i was eating, i thought about approaching the owners of the taqueria about mass-marketing the sauce. it will surely be a hit.

i hope everyone has an enjoyable holiday - i gotta start on some work.

i definitely didn’t intend to have the talk last night - especially just before our dinner plans at restaurant o (the place i wanted to have MS’s bday dinner at but there was a mix-up at the reservation desk at the restaurant). but i guess i have been thinking a lot about it, and it has been weighing on me. and it felt like the right time to tell him about some of the things that i have been concerned about.

it was not by any means a conversation that addressed all my concerns - certain topics i only alluded to. but i have to say, overall his responses were, if not satifactory, at least very encouraging. i always knew that we can address our personality differences -him, out of all people, would be willing. but my concerns in terms of his motivation was something i didn’t know how he would react to. to my surprised, he was really honest, and humble. he admitted that he hasn’t been as motivated, as he could be, or wishes he could be. and he didn’t know why. he seemed genuinely concerned about that. he even said “maybe i just need a jumpstart.”

it made me feel like i could be part of that improvement process. that wasn’t part of my plan originally, but i feel like he deserves some more time.

i like gifts - but it’s annoying to feel compelled to buy and give stuff at this time of the year. maybe i am just super lazy, but i feel absolutely no spirit of the season. i hate that traffic is extra bad; i hate that i can’t even get to my gym becuase it’s close to a popular shopping area; i hate that people are extra rude.

mr. big and i exchanged our gifts a few nights ago, after my repeated urgence. i was particular excited for him to open my presents- i sort of had an idea of what he got me, after my friends and i a few nights ago sat around and brainstormed about it. the concensus was that he got me the new shuffle, which makes sense, since 1) i LOVE my old one, and use it almost every day; and 2) the battery on that is dying and i have to charge it all the time.

but i knew that he had no clue what i had gotten him. i doubt he ever expressed an interest in a set of the 400 thread count egyptian cotton sheets, and a pair of cuff links. but that’s what he got! i think he liked it. i figured he had no clue what 400 thread count and egyptian cotton meant, but to my surprise, he knew the high thread count was a good thing.

i made him wash the sheets and put them on his bed that same night -the moss green is beautiful, and goes well with his comforter, and adds a bit of color to his bedroom. and not to mention it’s super comfortable. it’s just gonna make it that much harder to get out of bed in the morning.