hear me roar!

ok. not quite. it’s still about 8 hours before my flight. today was really hectic - but i am done packing and it’s not even midnight. hopefully i didnt’ forget anything. i got to talk to a bunch of friends that i haven’t talked to in a while. i got to chat w CT, who just came back from hawaii. well, i did most of the talking, to fill her in on the last week. i was super giddy-can’t remember that last time i sounded like that. she said that she could hear my smile.

i am really glad that i got enough courage to ask EL to meet up last night. i was fishing around for info a few nights before, and he mentioned that he was helping out at a make-a-wish foundation event friday night. since i was to leave saturday, i was a little discouraged.

the next morning, i woke up early to go work out, and felt compelled to call him and ask whether he would be free thursday night (since i had dinner plans wed. night). he probably thought it was super random. it literally went like this:

me: good morning
him: gm…you are up early
me: yeah, i am gonna go work out
him: …
me: hey, are you free thur night?
him: yeah, did you want to do dinner or something?
me: yeah…otherwise i might not remember what you look like when i come bacl
him: hehe, i better make an impression then.

sometimes the most random things work out really well. we got to hang out for quite a few hours, and i made it clear that it is not because i want to end the night early, but rather, i was confirmed that he would be tired after a very long day and has another one coming up. even then we talked for a while after he walked to my car.

i can’t believe i am missing the biggest electronic music festival in the western u.s.! i went the first year in sf and lst yr. the 2nd year i missed it because i was traveling to cancun. i almost regretting buying tickets for vienna to leave this saturday. so many friends are going to love fest, and it would be a wmc reunion.

i guess i will have to call in from my layover and listen to the music remotely. *sigh*

so everyone i know basically knows that i have been super stressed about arguing at this morning’s hearing. and everyone has been so supportive in his/her own ways:

from my office: so many people send me last minute well-wishes;

the cute and witty attorney i know from moot court sent me helpful AND funny advice (which i used): e.g., “I’ll simply leave you with a point that my moot court professor taught me, which is surprisingly helpful. When you stand up, clench your butt cheeks. It makes you stand straight and tall, keeps you from swaying, and should make you laugh to think about it, which relieves stress. Haha, that was actually his advice…”

my vball team: sent me home early last night (instead of refing) so i can practice;

various friends (DL, MS) sent me good-luck TMs just before my argument; as for EL, we had our usual bedtime chat and then 5 and half hours later, he gave me my wake up call. it was so much better than waking up to an alarm. i literally wake up with a smile on my face. dude, i hope he never reads this . i would just die of embarassement.

because of all the support i had, i felt extra pressured to not let anyone down. i thought it went pretty well. i was nervous all the way up to about two minutes after my argument started. i felt that my legs were shaky at first, so i tried the “butt clenching’ technique and it actually helped. and it made me stand up more upright. after that, i felt like i was conveying the right message to the court, and she was listening to me. it did help that she was a familiar face-she even has cute dimples, and looks exactly the same as she had looked 3 years ago when i externed for her. it also helped that her clerk , who was right in front of me, was a familiar, comforting face.

it was far from perfect, not that anyone expected it to me. but i was happy leaving the court room. there is so much i can do to improve, but i am glad that i have gotten over the hump of this first-oral-argument experience.

my teammates last night commented on how i looked really happy -it’s been a while since we all had seen each other since vball was in between season, and we stopped playing outdoors right around labor day. i felt that way, too. i was much more energetic than i had been on the court the last season, and played much better. my entire team played much better, and more intensively, while having more fun. go figure!

so during a break, we were outside getting air, and i told AL “man, life is good [without mr. big]. i should have been single much earlier.” he laughed, and agreed. AL is also now seeing someone (after the espisode with mr. big’s sister) with whom he gets along really well. we always joked about how mr. big and his sister both have some issues, but it’s good to know that there are many out there who do not.

life would get much better after i survive the hearing this morning.

i dont know why i have the song “run” by snow patrol in my head. it was the reason that i bought the CD a few years ago, buti haven’t actually heard it in a long time. but i have been playing it again and again on youtube all day. the song sounds a little sad, but i am not really sure what the lyrics mean, if anything:

I’ll sing it one last time for you
Then we really have to go
You’ve been the only thing that’s right
In all I’ve done

And I can barely look at you
But every single time I do
I know we’ll make it anywhere
Away from here

Light up, light up
As if you have a choice
Even if you cannot hear my voice
I’ll be right beside you dear

Louder louder
And we’ll run for our lives
I can hardly speak I understand
Why you can’t raise your voice to say

To think I might not see those eyes
Makes it so hard not to cry
And as we say our long goodbye
I nearly do

Light up, light up
As if you have a choice
Even if you cannot hear my voice
I’ll be right beside you dear

Louder louder
And we’ll run for our lives
I can hardly speak I understand
Why you can’t raise your voice to say

Slower slower
We don’t have time for that
All I want is to find an easier way
To get out of our little heads

Have heart my dear
We’re bound to be afraid
Even if it’s just for a few days
Making up for all this mess

Light up, light up
As if you have a choice
Even if you cannot hear my voice
I’ll be right beside you dear

to vienna! just bought the ticket. with JS. leaving sat. i guess i have to miss lovefest ‘07. i only miss lovefest for last minute planned trips. two years ago i missed it because i was traveling to cancun and that was a great trip. i hope this one turns out just as good.

i tend to dream about stuff that’s been on my mind. lately, it’s about the hearing that i am appearing for next tuesday. i had a nightmare-ish type dream last week, about how i was late to the hearing, couldn’t find myself and had to hitchhike (that’s right, no money for a taxi) a ride there.

just now i dreamt i was at the hearing, and it was going fine. but the room was crowded with a lot of other people there for other cases. and then at some point, the judge took a recess and we were all getting some fresh air outside, including the judge’s clerks (both male, which is true in real life). as we were getting back to the “court house” which looked nothing like the court house that i will be going to, i ran into HH outside, riding a bike, in very casual gear. he looked at me, smiled with the signature crinkle around his eyes, and said ” looks like you are moving up in seniority.” i didn’t get a chance to really talk to him as i was on my way upstairs, so i ihad no idea whether he just took the day off, and quit his legal job all together. when we got back into the courtroom, i can almost hear myself rehearsing how i would start the next piece of the argument.

too bad i don’t remember it well enough to write it down.

there comes a time in every “relationship” where a decison will indicate how things will proceed, or not proceed, for that matter. it doesn’t always have to be a big, significant moment. and often, it’s an internal decision that is not even communicated to the other person.

i think i have reached this point. although i haven’t known EL for that long, but given the sheer amount of time we spend talking, i have gotten to know him better than some people that i have dated for much longer. a lot of talking is great, but it also allows me to get really attached to someone quickly, and i don’t know that i am ready for that yet.

i am at the crossroads again: if i choose to slow things down (i.e., cut down talking), i will certainly feel less attachment to him. but the problem is that he will probably see it as a lack of interest and effort on my part. but if i keep going the way it has been going, it is going to be that much difficult for me to sever the ties, if i realize that things cannot work out. i have been particularly on the fence about whether i am ready to feel that emotional attachment yet, considering that we will rarely even be in the same time zone for the next month: i am probably gonna be in europe (or somewhere else far and fun) for the first ten days of october; then when i come back i expect work to be quite busy; he is in dc for the 3rd week for work, and as soon as he comes back, i will be in vegas for a long weekend; and when i get back, he will be in so. cal for work. yeah, we are busy bodies! i sometimes feel like this is the HH situation all over again: we talked a lot, and made every effort to, but in the end, we got to spend very little real time together. so in that sense, i am afraid.

but then EL does little things that makes me think that this might be different: he had called me as he was leaving a friend’s bday party saturday night, and we chatted briefly. he knew that i had work on sunday, and asked that when i would have to wake up. i said 8:30. and “predictably,” he called around 8:30 to wake me up. it was cute-he sounded super sleepy since he went to bed after 3, and i was sleepy because i just don’t like to wake up early. we talked in a semi-conscious state for a few minutes, and i said i needed to “snooze.” so we were both just quiet for a few minutes, until he attempted to wake me up. when i was about to get out of bed, he informed me that he was still tired and was going back to sleep. i felt a little bad because i thought he was waking up early anyways, but in reality, he set his alarm to wake up only so he could give me a wake up call. i thought that was very cute, and immediately told him so.

anyways, i must have totally digressed from what i set out to write, but i think MS is right that i don’t need to think about this too much. just follow the nature path of events and know that wherever they lead me is where i am supposed to end up anyways.

i played at vball practice night with JS’ team - she needs subs, and actually, only one of her teammates came. the rest were my/her friends. it was really fun, but i ended up leaving a little early, and completely forgot that her teammate’s car keys were in my bag.

until he called, when he was leaving vball. it was then a long,convoluted story how he finally got to my place around midnight to pick up his keys. i had offered repeatedly to drop it off for him-i felt really stupid for not remembering. but he was very cool about it, and said it was his fault for not remembering.

we agreed to both blame JS - we both were there because she asked us to. and she wasn’t even able to play. so but for her, the key incident would have never happened.